USA Today ran another article about (predominately) fast food items that would sell like gangbusters in America, yet aren’t available here. Check these out and tell me you wouldn’t try a few of them:
Cheese Burger Crown Crust Pizza
Pizza Hut, Middle East
Did you think stuffed-crust pizza was the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement in pie innovation? You poor, naive fool. Clearly, you’ve never been invited to the “Crown Crust Carnival” that rages at Pizza Huts in the Middle East, where you can dine like royalty on a Cheese Burger Crown Crust Pizza: a pizza topped with beef, tomatoes, lettuce (keeping it healthy), and Pizza Hut’s special sauce, with a ring of grilled mini cheeseburgers on top of the crust. Worried that consuming that much red meat isn’t good for you? Take charge of your health and feel better about yourself by opting for the Chicken Fillet Crown Crust Pizza, which has chicken fingers in place of the cheeseburgers.
Gouda Shrimp-Cutlet Sandwich
Surf and turf is a beloved and traditional menu option in the United States, so why does KFC deny us this sandwich where the “surf” is shrimp and the “turf” is deep-fried cheese? You’ll have to go all the way to Japan if you want to get your hands on the Colonel’s secret weapon, the newest invention in the fast-food arms race: a Gouda Shrimp-Cutlet Sandwich, in which a hunk of cheese is stuffed with shrimp and then deep-fried.
McDonald’s, United Arab Emirates
Remember that classic commercial jingle for the Big Mac that brags about “two all-beef patties”? Well, UAE diners are probably laughing at its quaintness while they unhinge their jaws and shove a Mega Mac down their throats. That’s right—while we get Ronald McDonald’s pity ration of two patties, other countries are getting Big Macs made with four layers of beef and three buns. Stage a dine-in protest by ordering two Big Macs and combining them into a homemade Mega Mac. Toss your extra bun on the floor in disgust or set it on fire to really get your point across.
Green Tea Blizzard
Dairy Queen, Thailand
Green tea has been shown in studies to help fight cancer and heart disease, but apparently Dairy Queen isn’t concerned with our health: They only offer the Green Tea Blizzards in Asia. Thanks for nothing, Dairy Queen—we’ll just cry into our boring Oreo Blizzards while we wait for Death to tap us with his icy hand from the next booth over.
Dry Pork and Seaweed Donut
Dunkin’ Donuts, China
You know what the problem is with American donuts? The complete lack of meat. How are we supposed to get our protein if our breakfasts only consist of chocolate or glazed donuts? Dunkin’ Donuts in China is on top of this problem with a donut suitable for breakfast, lunch, or dinner—the Dry Pork and Seaweed donut, a traditional pastry topped with dehydrated and pulverized pig and globs of seaweed.
Mac ‘n’ Cheese Pizza
Pizza Hut, Germany
Sure, regular pizza is a delicious blend of carbs and cheese, but wouldn’t it be better if it had even more of both? Germans certainly thought so, and their market demanded satisfaction from Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut’s German Facebook fans liked it the best, and thus the Mac ‘n’ Cheese Pizza, a pie topped with pasta and smothered in cheese sauce, was born.
This is a travesty! KFC is named after a U.S. state, yet while we must make do with only two sandwich choices, other countries have more than double the options on their abundant menus. Take the Tower Burger, for example: Available at KFC in Australia, it’s a fried-chicken patty topped with a hash brown, tomato sauce, cheese, lettuce, and sweet mayo. Thanks for nothing, Colonel.
Jelly and Ice Cream
Burger King, U.K.
Jell-O is America’s “most famous dessert” (at least according to the probably biased Jell-O Gallery website), yet our Burger King menus are devoid of any gelatinous treats. Only in the U.K. can you order a Whopper and a Jelly and Ice Cream, which is strawberry-flavored “jelly” (the British version of Jell-O) topped off with ice cream. “Warning,” brags Burger King’s British website, “This product is prone to wobbling.” Our lips are wobbling right now as we struggle to hold back tears over not being able to order this.
We bet Dave Thomas is rolling over in his grave at this corruption of Wendy’s classic fries. Indecisive eaters in Japan no longer have to make the wrenching choice between nachos and fries—they can have both with Wendy’s Nacho Fries, a dish of fries topped with guacamole, chili, cheese, and jalapeno peppers. Americans have to trek to both the Wendy’s and Taco Bell drive-through windows if they want to dine on something that awesome. Your move, USA.
Oh well, probably for the best. Your thoughts?